I am 16 shades of stupid for loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about me.
I'm old enough to know better, yet I'm foolish enough to believe that some day, he'll actually love me as much as I do him. I crave time with this person. I want the deep emotional and physical connection that is supposed to be the hallmark of once-in-a-lifetime relationships. I want this more than I can express in mere words on a screen; it drives me to keep pursuing a man who I think just doesn't have the same depth of feeling as I do.
Do I think he loves me? Yes, I do. Do I think his feelings match my own? The jury is still out. I sometimes feel like I'm nothing more than a lover of convenience for him. I happen to come with a house, a good paycheck, and I can sometimes be fun to hang out with. We're supposedly engaged so we do live together; sometimes I wonder if he stays because it's easy for him to do so. I'm there when he needs someone to be with for company, and I'm there too when occasionally, he feels frisky. My wretched imagination wonders if he stays because it's a cushy place to be.
I'm not a bed of roses by any stretch of the imagination. I have high-maintenance, attention whore tendencies that make me more of a drama queen than most but at my age, I've come to accept this is who I am. I can no more change my personality than a leopard can change its spots. Honestly, I thought we could work through the issues that arose. Call it juvenile optimism, however, I am a romantic who believes that love and passion will win out in the end. Or at least I used to be...now, I am not so sure.
I wonder why my foolish heart yearns for someone who doesn't treasure our relationship as I do. I often think I come last in his heart, even beyond material things that shouldn't matter as much as another person. We do have children from previous marriages and as they should, they do come first. Beyond that, I would hope I would be next in his affections; unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. All too often, I come after the computer, the television, his belly button lint...I sometimes feel like an afterthought.
My energy is poured into trying to do things just right - maybe if I do everything perfectly and I make no mistakes, I'll be rewarded with a morsel of affection. It's a tough standard to achieve but I strive to do so anyway. Yes, I likely sound like a desperate woman. No, I don't like being in this position. I am supposed to be a strong, independent, dynamic woman but I act like a desperate lover afraid of being left for someone better. I can't help it - I always feel like I must overachieve in every aspect of our relationship just to be able to keep it alive.
Our sex life...if you think it's strange to be discussing this on a public blog, let me tell you - it's far easier posting it anonymously here than it is to admit to friends and family that my own lover isn't interested in that type of relationship with me. Well, let me retract that - he's interested once in a blue moon. I live for those few moments that I do get; it (at least for me) is an amazing experience. The rest of the time, I am frustrated and dejected, lonely and unfulfilled. The neurotic side of me wonders when he'll stray and find someone he is more attracted to; the rational me knows better, if what he tells me is to be believed.
I am a fool for love.
